Mind Over Mutter

See what happens when you have real tools?

I think that's how it's spelled, anyway.

If these images look cruddy on your computer, it's because I'm posting them via Picasa from my...less than graphically sophisticated...work laptop. I'll probably cringe when I see them at home in a real editor. Picasa tends to add more than a little noise to RAW NEF files at times.

.... swimmin' in the water, a little green frog, doin what he oughter.

Well, it would be if blogger was working correctly.... It refuses to display the photo.

I have been so busy and so tired lately, I was teetering on the edge of burnout. So this weekend I took a couple of days for myself. I went to the coast, holed up in a hotel with a spa, and just chilled out.

I've read a book and a half in the past 2 days--nothing useful or technical, just total trash pop fiction. It felt nice.

I've taken long, leisurely soaks in lavender-filled whirlpool tubs. Lavender's supposed to be calming and help to reduce stress and anxiety. I'm not sure the lavender really does anything, but the warm water and peace and quiet certainly help.

If I were home, I'd feel like I had to be doing something. Since I'm paying for the hotel room, I figured I ought to use it for a while. I took a nap in the middle of the afternoon today. It was only about 45 minutes, and I'm still seriously sleep-deprived, but it was a start.

And I haven't picked up a camera just for the joy of it in ages... that stopped this weekend, too. This morning I got up early and spent a few hours with the cameras--- I've just about got the hang of the D200, and the weight of the thing is something of a factor (harder for me to hold it still for longer exposures in low light) but going out to play with it was utterly self-indulgent. I wasn't entertaining anyone, I wasn't doing it for profit, or any other "good" reason... I was just having fun. Amusing myself.

I'm no Mother Teresa-- I'm pretty good to myself when I can be, but too many back-to-back weeks of 70 billable hours, trying to keep up with friends and family, learning a couple of new software packages, a bout of bronchitis/pneumonia, lousy weather, a holiday that wasn't a holiday because I had to sandwich it in between work marathons and a few other goodies had run me ragged.

The only word I can think of to describe the way I was feeling is "brittle." I was snapping at people, impatient, cranky, unable to concentrate on anything but work, not sleeping and so tired that all I could do when I came home at night was stare blankly at old movies-- ones that I knew the story and the ending, so I wouldn't get frustrated if I fell asleep or couldn't concentrate on the plot.

That's no way to live. I can't be creative when I'm struggling to just keep on going. I need to take better care of myself and set better boundaries. The client deserves my best... and I can't deliver it if I'm half dead.

Now I've just got to convince them of that.

http://picasaweb.google.com/jpkabala/OliviaSBreakfastWithBunny07

Every time she smiles, my heart melts. I have waited a lifetime for these moments
with the munchkins. So much so, that I almost forget to take out my camera.

I haven't had a lot of time to blog lately-- work has been a killer, and 70-hour weeks don't allow a lot of time for photos and blogs. I can barely keep up with things like paying the bills, picking up my dry cleaning, and the occaisional hot meal and convertsation with my kids.
But last week, I took Olivia to breakfast with the bunny... and moments like that make everything that I have done to make being here worth all the hassles.

Seeing Mike and George's kids growing up is worth EVERYTHING. I missed too many moments when the guys were small. You don't get second chances in life... but you can stop making the same mistakes over and over again.