Sunday, May 10, 2015

 

Thoughts on Mother's Day 2015

Happy Mother's day....

I am not ready to be the Matriarch

This has become such a complex day for me in recent years...with Aunt Pat's death, my brothers and I became the oldest living members of my family-- Our parents and grandparents are all gone, their siblings are all gone, our spouses parents are all gone.....we became the grownups. And with Peg and Maryellen gone, I'm the only female of my generation left. (Not to discount Gail and Dianne) but it's weird to think of myself as the oldest anything.  But I have four grandchildren ranging from 14 years to 4 months, two spectacular sons, two nieces, two nephews, and two grand nephews and 2 grand nieces.  We are not a large family, but we are complex family. Despite pretty traditional values, our family tree would give graphic designers fits. 


My Mom

I spent 45 years of my life trying to earn her respect and approval. I never got it. As an adult, I learned enough about her to forgive her for resenting me and shutting me out. She wasn't evil, she was damaged. She probably was doing the best she could, and she probably couldn't even see the effect her emotional disengagement had on me.

But Mother's day brings it all up again. I simply don't have the kind of sweet stories others have been posting all week. No fixing my hair for the big dance, no teaching me to cook, no tender moment shopping for my prom dress or wedding gown. She just wasn'
t that sort of person with me. No matter how much I yearned for her to be. No matter that she was with my sister.  So I read all these sweet tributes to Moms here and ocer the rainbow, and I force myself not to make jokes to ease the ache in my heart or pretend that I know what that kind of thing feels like. 

My sons get tired of hearing me say it, but what my mother taught me about grandparenting and parenting is that I want more than going through the motions and writing checks. I want to know what books and music they love, who their friends are, what maked them laugh (and why) what scares them, and what their dreams are.





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